


Alone

by Fvxk_Life



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: F/F, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Other, Self-Harm, Suicide, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-02
Updated: 2017-04-24
Packaged: 2018-10-14 07:26:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,023
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10531716
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fvxk_Life/pseuds/Fvxk_Life
Summary: Alex is slipping back into old habits, but nobody seems to notice.





	1. Old Habits Are Coming Back

**Author's Note:**

> First ever fic. Chapters will definitely be updated every weekend. I might throw in some updates in the middle of the week from time to time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is just setting up the rest of the story.

It was a long day at the DEO for Alex. Livewire was back and Kara was frantic. Alex watched as Livewire took an unconscious Kara and disappeared into thin air. With Winn and J'onn, Alex was able to locate Livewire to an abandoned warehouse just outside of National City and got there just in time to rescue Kara from the brink of death.

Alex refused to leave Kara's side the entire night, and she stayed up just to watch her baby sister sleep and to watch over her.

 

* * *

 

 

The next day Alex found herself in a chair by Kara's bedside. Kara was already up and moving like nothing had happened yesterday. She had already gotten two rogue members of a violent alien gang in DEO custody.

Kara noticed her big sister was awake. She approached Alex cautiously, afraid to startle a slightly confused Alex.

"Hey Alex, you're finally up!" Kara murmured.

Alex, slightly caught off guard, went for her gun as she whipped around. "Oh Kara! Thank God you're okay!!!! I don't know what I would do if anything were to happen to you." 

Kara, hugging Alex, responded, "You know I'm too good to let anything happen to me." 

Alex smiled uneasily. Little did Kara know that after missions like these, where Kara was badly hurt, Alex would go back to her apartment and do what she swore she would never do again.

Kara saw the bags under Alex's eyes and suggested that she go home for the day and get some proper sleep. Alex immediately started to refuse, so Kara picked up Alex and dropped her off at her apartment.

Alex sighed, watched her sister fly off, then went to her apartment.

* * *

 

When Alex got inside, she felt a sense of loneliness while she looked around and saw everything so perfectly untouched from the last day, and when she saw one of Maggie's oversized NCPD jackets hanging up. Maggie had gone out of town to go assist on a far away alien on alien murder, and she hasn't seen Maggie in 3 days.

When she thought of how lonely she was and how she wouldn't see Maggie for another few days, she felt herself about to cry. She hasn't felt like this in years. She thought these feelings had finally gone away. But then she realized, if the feelings of pain and loneliness had really gone away, why was she still hiding her little secret under her long sleeves?

When she thought about that, she went to her bathroom, dug through the cabinet until she found them. Her razors.

* * *

 

When they started dating, and Maggie started to stay over more, Alex had to make sure she hid them from Maggie and kept changing the location. Maggie was a detective, of course. When they originally started dating and Alex was more comfortable with wearing short sleeves around her girlfriend, it didn't take Maggie long to notice the light scars on the arms of the woman she loved. They were in Alex's apartment one day having a drink, and it was brought to the forefront of her mind. Maggie didn't know if she should bring it up right away, but she was so concerned that she just pointed and blurted out "Alex, what are those lines on your arms?"

Alex was taken aback. She felt her face burning up, and her eyes started to water. She glanced at Maggie and swiftly turned her gaze to the ground.

Maggie, realizing that that probably wasn't the right way of approaching the situation, slowly moved towards her girlfriend, hoping not to scare her away, "Babe, it's okay, I care about you and want to help you. What have I said about pushing your feelings down and being honest?" She smiled softly at Alex, hoping to calm Alex a little bit.

"I-I-t-It-It's nothing. Don't worry about it." Alex covered her arms and inches away from Maggie, she could feel herself started to cry. She wanted out of this conversation before she completely lost it.

"Alex," Maggie said in a more concerned and scared voice, "Alex, this isn't nothing. I see the new scars. I don't know how long this has been going on, but we're gonna sit down and your gonna tell me everything. From the beginning." By this point, she had made it all the way in front of Alex's face, and was looking into her scared, sad eyes.

"I--I think you should go, Maggie." Alex managed to stutter out.

"No! Alex, you can't just push me away like this! This is a relationship and I need you to be honest with me."

"I AM being honest. I already told you, I'm FINE!"

Maggie eyes started to tear up, and she pleaded, "Alex, I can see your not fine and you're really scaring me. I'm not gonna leave. Not now, not ever. I need you and I want to help you."

When she said that, Alex completely broke down and fell to the floor sobbing. 


	2. The Past and the Present

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Past: Alex opens up to Maggie about her struggles.  
> Present: Alex can't handle her emotions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Suicidal thoughts, self-harm

Maggie dropped down to the ground next to Alex, and held her hand, "Please. Please talk to me. I need you."

Alex couldn't look up. She couldn't breathe, it felt like the things she needed to say were suffocating her. She couldn't do it. But she knew Maggie wouldn't let this go, so she sighed and let Maggie wrap her in her arms and she could feel herself calm down slightly.

She still wasn't completely comfortable talking about her feelings but she tried, she tried for Maggie.

"I--I just feel like everything is m-my re-r-responsibilty and ev-v-er-rything is my fault. And that I'm never good enough. Never smart enough, fast enough, like I'm unable to do anything right. And it hurts, it just hurts so much. And when I think about my life I just feel like the biggest failure ever. It's like I'm nothing and I don't matter to the world. Like I'll never be anything."

Alex sighed, she'd never really said much of her feelings out loud, and she felt like she felt when she came out. Scared. Vulnerable. Judged. She hated this feelings. She spent her whole life avoiding them.

Maggie used all of her self-control so she wouldn't cry. She knew this made Alex uncomfortable. She didn't want to push her but she needed to know one thing.

"Alex, are you thinking about killing yourself?" Maggie choked on those words. She couldn't bare the thought of Alex hurting so bad that the only option for her was death. She was so scared. She was scared of Alex, for Alex and scared of her answer.

Alex looked down. She had thought about it all the time. How it would be so easy to just take her gun, put the cold metal against her head, and just pull the trigger. There'd be no more pain, no more responsibility, no more FEELING. She did want to kill herself, but she wouldn't tell Maggie that. She couldn't. So she looked into Maggie's eyes and lied, "Of course not. I'm just not feeling too good right now."

Maggie didn't know whether or not to believe her, but she ended up giving Alex the benefit of the doubt.

Neither of them knew what to say after that. So they just sat on the floor, Alex crying, and Maggie holding her.

* * *

A few months had past, and now she looked down at the razors in her hand. She thought of every single tiny mistake she had made and, with each mistake, came a new red line. The bigger the mistake, the deeper the cut. Even when she thought of every mistake she could, it still wasn't enough. She DESERVED worse than arms full of cuts, and worse than drinking her life away.

She looked down at the blood gushing out of her arms, she watched as it trailed on to the floor, into the creaks in the tiles of the floor. She sat there staring at herself bleeding for what felt like hours.

Eventually Alex snapped back into reality and started to begin the daily tradition of cleaning her blood from the floor, bandaging her cuts, stitching up the deep ones, and finding a long sleeve shirt not soaked in her blood. After she finished, she had a few drinks, then nodded off to sleep. She dreamt about ending it all.


	3. Maggie's Return

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maggie comes back from her far away case. She finds Alex trying to kill herself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, I had to deal w/ some of my own problems irl, I'm back now tho. 
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING: Suicide attempt, blood, cutting

Maggie smiles as she gets out from the cab, looking at Alex's apartment building. She so excited to tell Alex about how she was finally the one to beat up the rogue aliens like a badass. She couldn't wait to see Alex, hug her, kiss her, just FEEL her. She missed Alex so much, it had felt like a piece of her was missing.

Maggie ran up the stairs of the apartment building bubbling with absolute joy. She originally wasn't supposed to be home for another few days, but the case ended quicker than she thought. She probably should've called ahead, but she really wanted to surprise her girlfriend.

Maggie got to the front of Alex's (their) apartment, and she takes out her key so quickly, it flies across the hallway. She laughs at herself and runs to pick them up. As soon as she turns the key, she shoves the door open and grins.

Silence. Absolute silence. 

At first she thinks Alex isn't home, but she listens closely, and hears quiet sobs in the bathroom. She walks over and trust to open the door. It's locked. She knocks, "Alex, is that you? Are you okay, babe?"

Alex's heart stops.  _Maggie isn't supposed to be home for another few days!!! She's gonna freak when she sees this! She's gonna have me go to the hospital again! Shit! Why do I have to be so stupid? Oh GOD, WHAT IF SHE TELLS KARA?!! Or my mother?!??!?!_

Alex looks at all the blood surrounding her. She cut deep this time.... But not deep enough. She watched the blood gush out of her arms faster than ever before. She wanted to cut deep enough to see bone. She started sobbing hysterically because she just couldn't stop. Maggie heard her crying louder and she smashed open the door. When she looked in at Alex, she was paralyzed. All she could see was blood. Miles and miles of blood. 

It took her a second for her to fully wrap her head around the situation. She looked down and Alex wasn't even fazed at Maggie's intrusion. She had a look of determination in her eyes. The determination to end it all. She started begging Alex to stop, to put the blade down, to look at her, to give her any sign that she was still there. Alex wouldn't move. Except of course to cut herself and sob. Maggie was at a loss. She had no idea what to do. It's never been this bad before. Maggie did what she swore she would never do in this situation. She called Kara.

* * *

 

Kara was at the DEO sitting around chatting with Winn, James and J'onn when she got the call.

"Hello?"

"Kara, it's Maggie."

Kara could hear the crack in Maggie's voice, and the distant crying, which could only be Alex.

Kara got concerned, "Maggie, what's going on? What's wrong? Is Alex okay?" She was nearly screaming.

"Nnn-nnn-no, Kara. I-I-III- I need you to come ov--vv-ver here rr-ii-rii-right away, " Maggie paused ,"Kara, it's Alex. I think she needs you."

Kara immediately runs out of the DEO and fly's full speed to Alex's apartment.

* * *

 Kara gets to the apartment and nearly crashes through the front door. She hears Maggie sobbing and screaming for her. She runs into the bathroom.

Blood. That's all she can see. All she can  _smell_. She freezes and just stares at her big sister's arms that are completely coated in blood. She sees the bathroom floor nearly swallowed whole in it. And she sees Maggie holding on to Alex, trying to rip the razor out of her hands. Kara watches as Alex slowly loosens her grip on the blade as she fades out of consciousness. Kara just stares. She's never seen Alex this bad before. Ever.


End file.
